Funny Quotes

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck

Happiness is having a great love, compassion, united family in another city.
George Burns

Have enough sense to know in advance where your skills will not be extended to wallpaper.
Marilyn vos Savant

He taught me housekeeping, when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Household can not kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

How many people here have powers telekenetic? Take my hand.
Emo Philips

I always wanted, but now I realize that I would have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

I'm not afraid of death, I will not be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and fries.
Stephen King

I bought some batteries, but they were not included.
Steven Wright

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett

I can not sing, dance or act, what else could I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to food.
W. C. fields

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos

I distrust camels, and anyone who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

I have no bank account because I do not know the maiden name of my mother.
Paula Poundstone

I do not have to search my family tree, because I know I'm the sap.
Fred Allen

I do not need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

I do not think anyone should write their autobiography, after they are dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg