Funny Quotes

I have not managed to chess to make the team because of my size.
woody Allen

I feel sorry for people who do not drink. When she woke in the morning, this is as good as they are going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

I found that there is only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have a love story in all my films: a firearm.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

I have a new philosophy. I'm not going to fear a day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

I've never been hurt by what I can not say.
Calvin Coolidge

I have six locks on my door in a row. When I go out, I close all others.I tell myself, no matter how long someone picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler

I tried to know absolutely nothing about many things, and I have been quite successful.
Robert Benchley

I have not spoken with my wife for years. I did not want to interrupt.
Rodney Dangerfield

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I knew I was an unwanted child when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

I love children - fried.
W. C. fields

I love long walks, especially when they are taken by people who suffer from me.
Fred Allen

I love marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison

I looked at my family and I discovered that the juice.
Rodney Dangerfield

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
Walt Disney

I like to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do.
W. C. fields

I did not expect to see the day when girls would sunburn in places where they do now.
Will Rogers

I never said most of the things I say.
Yogi Berra