Funny Quotes

My plants have died because of fake, I do not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

My father had a great influence on me. It was crazy.
spike Milligan

My dad took me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is 97 now, and we do not know where it is hell.
Ellen DeGeneres

My mother told me that an actress - until I introduced her to FrankSinatra.
Angie Dickinson

My theory is that all Scottish cuisine is based on a bet.
Mike Myers

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Margaret Smith

Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

Never raise your hands to your children - let your stomachunprotected.
Robert Orben

Nobody ever went bankrupt underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
St. Augustine

Older people should not eat health food, they need all the conservatives that they can get.
Robert Orben

The madness of a man is the wife of another man.
Helen Rowland

A picture is worth a thousand denials.
Ronald Reagan

Originality is the art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. sponsor

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford

Parents are the last people on earth who would have children.
Samuel Butler

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase