Funny Quotes

People always ask me: 'Were you funny as a child? Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres

Procrastination is the art of stand yesterday.
Don Marquis

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose.
Ronald Reagan

Roses are red, violets are blue I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
Oscar Levant

Smoking kills. If you die, you have lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock

This is my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and hard work.
Joe Rogan

The day I decide on that. Inventing the internet, I was tired because I had all night inventing the Camcorder
Al Gore

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he was a baby.
Natalie Wood

The reason there are two senators for each state so that we can bethe designated driver.
Jay Leno

The excess is highly desirable.
Voltaire